Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
