Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
