I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
