There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
