He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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