my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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