I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
