I want to walk on stilts...naked
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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