You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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