You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize