soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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