um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize