she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
