I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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