i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
