There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize