Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize