Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
