I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
