OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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