my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize