this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
