you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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