now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
