So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
