he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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