It's Friday. Sex?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
