I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
