This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
