Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
