So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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