Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
