We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
