i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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