We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
