can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and she was petting her beer can
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
