i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
