1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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