I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
