you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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