Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
