I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
