Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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