Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
