**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
