my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
