I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
