No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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