I wish I could punch you in the face.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
