so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
