Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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