I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
