I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
