While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize