After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
