I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize