We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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