All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
