He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
